Take It Or Leave It

Rating: CSI-1
Disclaimer: I do not own CSI.
Summary: She wasn't going to wait for him to call…
Pairing: Catherine/Vartann
A/N: Post-ep for 11x09, "Wild Life". Started back then, but I do procrastinate! Thank you to Dana for reading this through for me :)
Date: 2nd April 2011

She wasn't going to wait by the phone for him to call. She wasn't going to spend all her time missing him and wondering whether it was all over. Like she had told him, she had been in enough complicated relationships: This one was going to be on her terms. If she didn't want to tell him every detail of her life, then she wouldn't tell him. And if that meant he had to back away because he couldn't handle it, then so be it. He obviously wasn't worth it.

The only problem with her plan; the only crack in her determination? She was waiting by the phone; she was missing him and she was wondering whether it was over. Because, though she did firmly believe that she didn't have to tell him anything, she actually did want to share things with him. She did want him to know her completely. She just needed to take it a step at a time, and it seemed he was constantly trying to be several steps ahead of her.

When he had asked her to move in with him, she had seen it all: Every moment of her past that she hadn't told him about; every step she still needed to take to get to where he was. She wasn't ready for that.

She knows that it probably feels like a string of rejection for him; that he's putting in the effort to move the relationship on and she'd be quite content to just drift. That would certainly be easier, and she had considered that as a long term plan. Until she was faced with the possibility that he might choose 'leave it'. And she realised that the ache in her chest right then would be millions of times bigger if he did.

At that moment, she decided her new plan was to let him in; to let him know every thing that has made her the person she is. But when she is ready. She would let him know that she just needed time. She would tell him that she was in love with him. She would promise him that she'd be open to compromise on the decisions she had thought she had to make alone in order to protect herself.

It wasn't changing herself, she had realised. It was trusting him - and it had been too long since there had been someone she felt she could trust that way.

Of course, it all depended on whether he decided to 'take it or leave it'. And if chose the latter then he wasn't worthy of her trust… But she didn't, for one minute, believe that he would prove so unworthy. Her share of complicated relationships had taught her what to watch out for by now. And she hadn't seen any of the signs in him.

In fact all she had seen in him was a desire to be with her. Completely. It had just been so long since she'd seen that, she barely recognised it. In fact, she wasn't sure she had ever truly seen it before. Her other relationships, obviously, hadn't succeeded; always something else in the way. It was an automatic response now for her to assume there was an ulterior motive; that it would all come to nothing. This was new. And this was what she wanted.

Confident now in her feelings, and his, she reached across for the phone: She wasn't going to wait for him to call.